TWISTED SHORTS

SETTING: A Battlefield.....after the day’s carnage is done. A lone Roman Centurian, Flatulus, enters. He stands over the body of a fellow warrior

FLATULUS: How couldst one describe such a pillar of artistic grandeur as is our Kimball Carr?

Would that I were but a piece of rumpled parchment I would proclaim to the sun my honor at being among fair Kimball’s many scriptings for television, film, industrials, and interac-tive video.........

Would that I were a rugged directer’s chair I would shout to the moon and stars my invitation for him to but bend me- fold me- sit upon me- and use me to fashion all his glorious con-structs (such as his digital, full-length feature,”Six Bullets-7 Strangers”....currently available for viewing on ‘Ifilm’)...........Would that I were a former, critically acclaimed, comic book series entitled “Shadow Agents” I would declare aloud to the very rocks and trees that ‘twas the genius of Master Carr which gave me my life, breath, and soul..........

And would that I were a monumentally pompous and pretentious ego I would demand of my biographer,”Write my Twistedshorts bio as though ‘twere writ by the Bard of Avon; good Will Shakespeare himself”.......... I am, however, not but mere mortal. Thus, I can do no more than to softly implore,”Oh Kimball.......good Kimball.......uncuff me from this penman’s desk- and with my fetters loosed do bid me take my leave, my liege. Alas, my work here is now done....

(and he exits )

( Choose the answer for each of the following questions that is NOT really one of Scott’s artistic credits. Grab your #2 pencil and begin.)

1) Scott’s professional comedy career credits include:
a.) a win with “the Shakespeare Rap” on ABC’s America’s Funniest People.
b.) performing w/ his legendary comedy group”Open Season”at the Comic Strip in N.Y.C. on the same evenings as Jerry Seinfeld, Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, and Steven Wright.
c.) the opening ‘stand-up’ for Whitney Houston’s “Welcome Home Heroes” Concert, on HBO, at the close of the Gulf War.
d.) subjecting his genitals to a 17^th century wine press, repeatedly.
2) Among Scott’s extensive media involvements is:
a.) over 30 film and television projects- including a lengthy stint as rock ‘n’ roller Phil Hayes on the daytime drama “Another Life”, and a lead role in Kimball Carr’s”Six Bullets-7 Strangers” feature.
b.) his hosting of various T.V. shows- among them what was once the America’s Shopping Channel (now QVC ).
c.) years of national, regional, and local radio and television voiceover work.
d.) his involvement as Bart Simpson’s stunt double in the adult film classic,”Homer Gets A Hummer”.
3) Additional artistic credits of Scott’s encompass:
a.) over 75 stage rolls; and various production roles as directer, and makeup and production designer.
b.) over 25 years of professional vocal and instrumental music performance- including band work and jingle writing.
c.) extensive writing credits, for comedy, ad-copy, and theatre: as well as cartooning and illustrating.
d.) his singlehandedly erecting the Great Pyramid ,in Egypt,in a previous incarnation as Khufu the en-dowed.

(Put down your pens. If you answered “D” to each of the above you’ve failed. Those answers are actually the ONLY real credits to Scott’s name. He’s a no talent “ hanger-on “ who hasn’t the slightest hint of ability and is hoping to make it big by riding our coattails. You will be required to stay after for a makeup exam-or to submit to unspeakably depraved acts of sexual degradation....Oops; ‘our bad’....that the Make-up exam!

WANTED: GARY MORTON - for crimes against nature.

A.K.A.: “Mr. Maverick”, “Bigchief Blackshirt”,”Sugarbuns”

PREVIOUS ARRESTING PERFORMANCES:”Homicide-Life on the Streets”;”Matlock”;”Native Son”;”A Woman Named Jackie”;”Deuce Coupe”;”Falls Road”;”Six Bullets-7 Strangers”- and numerous psychic hot-lines and monster truck rallies.
CURRENTLY SOUGHT FOR: Owning and operating Maverick Productions, a premier theatrical production company specializing in Murder Mysteries; Improv Comedy; and Dinner Theatre (available for corporate functions, group gatherings, family reunions, Girl Scouting exhibitions, and Mary Kay Conventions ).
LAST KNOWN WHEREABOUTS: When not found loitering about public restrooms he’s been known to frequent “Walker - Texas Ranger” tapings, and occasional “raves” and “be-ins”. In recent months he’s been spotted in Virginia Beach, Va.- in the vicinity of the Howard Johnson Hotel at 37^th and Atlantic Ave.; room 221, with your mother.
REWARD: Getting him off the streets and behind the bar should be reward enough......but if it’s not, well.....we’ve got beer and snacks..........

Once upon a time, in a sleepy little town on the east coast, a woman gave birth to a teeny tiny child named Don. That’s the last time anyone can remember “Doodah” being anything smaller than a St.Bernard. This mountainous kodiak bear of a man is the stuff legends are made of! Hell.....who are we kidding.....he’s the stuff entire dwellings are made of. Owner of 710.COM (our site designer), and the brother of an only child, Don has been a lifeguard at a carwash, Pez-tester' nude model' entrepreneur; breeding stud; bon vivant; raconteur, and lion tamer........and that was all in just one particular August of 1987.

As our chosen “Web Guru”, Doodah has had to endure viewing the hogwash we pawn off as entertainment over and over again in order to construct this website. If we hadn’t plied him with plenty of cheap muscatel, mescaline, and malomars we believe he’d have become even more unstable from the experience than he already was. Don’t tell him- but the real reason we like him is that his near encyclopedic knowledge of rock music has been useful for free tickets from radio call-in shows.......that, and we like his profuse collection of Amish porno.